Mum, Pansy, and Blaise are all going to be away this weekend! I'm waiting for the inevitable Owl from Millie, too.

I know Pansy asked me to work for her this weekend, starting Saturday night, but I might just let Bob run the show again and stay at home in bed. With a bottle of vodka, my fags, and chocolate. No doubt Harry will be busy too.

Fucking wonderful.

I think I've done something really awful to Pansy, but I just can't figure out what.

Something's not right. She's really vague and... I feel like I'm losing her. She rarely comes around to see me anymore, she's made plans on a day that we usually spend together and doesn't even seem to realise it. I don't even think she's happy I'm with Harry now...

When we do speak, we end up sniping at each other or worse.

What could I have possibly done for her to brush me off like this? She usually tells me when I've been an arsehole, so it must be really bad. If she's too busy to have me in her life or I'm too much of a hassle, I wish she would just tell me... I can't ever lose her! I'll die without her!

Oh god, I can't cry again. Harry will think I'm a bloody ponce!

I'm rather glad now that I had the foresight to take a night off work for my date with Harry. He ended up spending the night at my place and it was... well... fucking fantastic, to be entirely honest.

Other than Pansy and Blaise, I've never actually spent the night like that with someone. He was there - in my bed and sleeping peacefully - because he wanted to be with me. I woke up with him curled up into my side with an arm wrapped around my chest and leg draped over mine. After the intial thought that I was suffocating, it was one of the nicest feelings in the world and I found myself very much wanting to get used to it.

Then there was this feeling of anxiousness when he had to leave earlier to run some errands. It took all my self control not to fling myself at him and plead with him to stay a bit longer. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Truly.

Things could potentially have gone arse-up at one point. Poor Harry was so embarrassed and I completely shocked the shit out myself by not actually freaking out! Deep down, I know I really wanted to hear those words... Maybe not everything about this growing up shit is so bad afterall...

We've been seeing each other for such a short time, but I'm drawn to him. There's just something about him that makes me want to spend the rest of my life much more time with him. And soon.

We don't have anymore plans as yet. I desperately wanted to ask him to stay again tonight, but I have that dinner at Nott's. I couldn't even ask Harry to be my date, because it's apparently a "Slytherin" dinner. Some people forget we aren't in school anymore. I think if the Sorting Hat tackled me right now, I'd risk landing myself in Hufflepuff.

I might ask Harry out to dinner for my birthday. It's not like any-fucking-one else has remembered it!

Oh Merlin. Harry is coming around later for our second date. We've decided to have coffee together at my place, and I bought a nice cheesecake especially... Oh hell, I'm so fucking nervous!

Pansy confirmed that puking on a date is extremely poor ettiquette... What about throwing one's date against the nearest wall and snogging him stupid as soon as I greet him at the door? My record is already shot, so why not?

No, I better refrain. I really don't want to scare him off. In fact, I want him to be around as long as he possibly can. Fuck, did I just say that?! What is happening to me??

On a side note, I can't stop looking at my watch or the clock. The minutes are barely moving! When did I get some many irritating timepieces in my home?

I haven't been to bed yet after working almost twelve hours last night. I'm exhausted. Everything seems to be a struggle at the moment. Last night was a bollocks of a night at Seekers. Two punch-ups and we even had to call in the Magical Law Enforcement Squad for drug pushers in the bathroom. Honestly, do those wankers not realise we have every inch of the club monitored? They can't even fart in the elevator without our Security knowing immediately.

I miss Harry, and I feel like a fucking sap for saying so. I don't even know what this thing between us is. I just know that I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

I'm scared to see Mum. I don't know if I can face her looking at me like that again. Every time I think about her I want to cry. Pansy has been so busy and I feel like I've lost a leg without her. Now Theo has invited us all to dinner. Why do I feel like I'm being baited into something if I turn up? I need to speak to Pans about it. I don't want to upset Blaise because I know how much he cares for Theo.

I really need some sleep.

Our first date went fine. I don't really think I'm cut out for the zoo, however. Here's hoping Harry doesn't get put out when I tell him this.

Appallingly, though, I made the biggest first date faux pas known to man. I puked in front of my date. The force of the Apparition home didn't agree with me and we weren't in my living room for more than thirty seconds before IT happened. Thankfully Harry didn't freak out and he actually seemed quite concerned. Other than the fact I feel like I can't look him in the eye again, it went smashingly, don't you think?

I hope we have a second date the next time goes a little better.

Did I mention I was royally horny?

Yesterday, I think I broke my mother's heart and I don't know if things will ever be the same between us.

I've never seen her cry so much. She never let me see her breakdown when father left.

I think for the first time in my life I truly hate myself.

Harry and I are so different...

I don't think we will ever get each other. Maybe this was all a huge mistake?

He's never going to get I'm nothing like my father.

Well, Harry and I have our little escapade to the zoo tomorrow and I am absolutely shitting myself about it. Neither of us have really called it a date. If I say that to him, will he be upset?

I have to admit, I'm nervous about fucking it all up. I don't doubt that we can have a good time though. Hopefully being in a setting where there is neither booze nor sex will give us a chance to actually talk.

I then have dinner with Mum tomorrow night. Fuck, I miss her like hell. My gag reflex still tries to kick in whenever I think about what I have to tell her, however. I find myself seriously considering not saying a word, but then feel like a complete tosser at the thought.

I also find myself making grudging alliances with people I never thought necessary. Maybe the whole world is just growing up around me while I still feel I'm about ten steps behind everyone else.

Fucking hell. When did I get so deep?

Days without booze and/or fags: 3.5

I mean, really, why me?

I consider myself a pretty strong person overall, but no one could put up with the amount of shit in my life right now and not struggle to cope.

I told Pansy I was going out, but it was a lie. I can't remember the last time I lied to her. I've been sitting here for the last hour alone and I can't seem to stop crying. I now very much understand the meaning of the phrase "the floodgates opened". I think I have injured my tear ducts.

First Mum, and now Pansy. Will I ever stop hurting the people I love? Maybe I should back right off from Harry now, because I'm inevitably just going to hurt him too. Everyone keeps telling me its in my nature.

Maybe I should just fuck off? They'd all be better off without me, anyway.

Pansy has now dressed me all up in anticipation for my night of enjoyable debauchery. Although I feel like somewhat of a Barbie Doll, I must say, my darling bestie has outdone herself once again.

( The Piece De Resistance (that hopefully will be irresistable)... )

This all better be fucking worth it...

Ok, well I am up - and alive. Which, believe me, is an accomplishment considering I am pretty sure I am now missing some vital internal organs.

Bring on the Owls demanding to know why I did it.

I... well... I'll admit this much. There are some things I need to talk about but I don't know if I am ready yet. I'm scared I'm going to hurt a specific person by revealing something and, well... It doesn't matter. It's just unnerving to not know if I actually already spilled my guts about it...

And to top it all off, I completely ruined my new Gucci t-shirt by vomiting spectacularly all over it, apparently. What a fuck. It was a bloody nice fit, too. I can't believe Pansy threw it out. In the rubbish. Gucci. In the rubbish. It's criminal.

Big night at Seekers tonight and I'm bloody shit scared to put booze anywhere near my lips. I vaguely remember commenting on never wanting to drink again, but that could've been during my momentary delirium. It sounded very appealing at the time. Nevertheless, I still want to get extensively laid, so desperate times call for desperate measures. And Pans and Blaise will massacre me if I say I don't want to drink.

Blaise mentioned there were some Gryffindors on the guest lists for tonight. That was enough for me not to want to touch the bastard lists with a ten foot broomstick. If they are going to be there, I don't even want to fucking know who in advance. Thank fuck for our Back Room. Some of them are actually beginning to under my skin and make me wonder if they could be quite good friends. Kill me with a very pointy object immediately.

I have Owls to answer. What the fuck happened while I was out? I know you won't all tell me, because I'm just the pitiful drunk, but I really have a sense of the world having shifted. Does anyone happen to know who shitted me enough to force me to the bottle?

Now I have to find something to wear tonight. Never again let me waste perfectly good shopping minutes to piss my life up a wall, got it?

What can I say? Fuck? Sorry? All of the above?

If it pleases you all, I have a fuck of a hangover. I think I hurled up a lung about half an hour ago. At this point I'm willing to risk the rash Sev tells me I will get if I drink Hangover Potion with my Stress Potion. Ow, fuck. It hurts to even blink.

Fuck, I'm just sorry, okay? I don't know what got into me... Okay, so yes I do, but I'm not sharing. Right now, I'm extremely nervous about what may have spewed from my mouth during my drunken ramblings. I hope I didn't mention... oh, it doesn't matter. I probably did. Everyone tells me I have a big mouth and throat.

I got all your Owls, but I'm going back to bed for at least six hours. I will come back later to kiss all your arses and humbly beg forgiveness. I can't even remember if I am fucking pissed off with anyone. I must be, to have done this.

Pansy, I love you, darling. I know what you did for me - again - even though I can't remember a fucking thing. You know I appreciate it.

Whoever the fuck is looking for me - I'm about to get thorougly drunk and I'm going to fucking love it.

Arse to this.